Where would the world be without Ozzy covering Hendrix...

Damn, this fucking sucks. My hopeless optimism puts me in another hole that I won't get out of. I lack the actual willpower once I'm in the task, but I'm always motivated about accepting it and thinking of the rewards it'll bring. It fucking blows. I'm failing calculus and chemistry. It's so much information to absorb, especially all at once when you should do it little by little everyday. It just blows. I'm basically sacrificing my social life (as I always have) to somehow, someway win this war. I put myself through so much anguish and frustration when other college kids are getting plastered and having weirdass experiences with drunk chinese prophets. I know I could easily change my major to something a little less heavy, but then 'money' becomes a factor. I know I shouldn't have my future based on dollars, but it is nice to have or else you're on the street selling hats for your 3 kids and deadbeat wife. It just sucks. I don't follow my intuition a whole lot and I'm very tact to people. But online, I like to have this 'out there' persona that would entice anyone (perferably girls). I feel like a mad scientist, but my main thing in life is to be true to myself in terms of how I like to think. I don't want to be fake. I want to keep studying even when I don't want to. I want to push it further even if I don't want to push cause it's the only way I'll get through with a victory for once. I can't fuck around anymore. I'm sorry that I don't make more friends than I could. I'm a very friendly person and I would think twice about hurting someone, but right now, I just have to concentrate on what seems important most: my future. College is very important to me and I'd have no clue how to manage myself if I dropped out. I'd most likely regret it and sink into a deeper depression than I'm in now. The way I am online to people is how I like to be even though it's not realistic or practical. No one can act like how I act in person (maybe some, but yeah, until I meet one..). We're too busy with anxiety and nervousness and all that to be critical and tact. It's just how we are. It's like stage fright; we all got it. I've just been like a mad scientist trying to find a different way to approach things. I may have tunnel-vision right now, but this is just what I feel. I have to push myself. It's now or never. If it were easy, we'd all be doctors and greedy CEOs (probably not, but you know, a good lot would be, yeah). I know what it is. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid of change. I'm telling that to myself now, but I won't follow it. You have that inner gut feelings in you that you kind of ignore, but are inside you like a pest (they aren't really a pest though if you follow them). They're actually trying to sway you in a 'better' direction, but I won't accept them cause I'm afraid of change, the unknown repercussions if I dropped a class or changed my major. I'm naive as hell and I'm afraid to change. It's crazy.